Features// Girl Gamer: Goth Fight

I'm inclined to like any game which has been given an unfavourable review by a SPOnG journalist in recent times, purely so it'll give me something to argue about down the pub, so I stick Jericho in the 360 with a certain degree of excitement.

The title screen's connotations could be discussed for hours from several academic perspectives, suffice to say that any psychologists amongst you might want to whip out your notepads now. I'll prostrate myself on the couch briefly as I say that my initial thoughts were to associate this heaving, gash and hole-ridden piece of tattered flesh, swarming with a multitude of insects, with a lady's private garden area, if you know what I mean. Which I'm sure you do.
I expect your thesis of no less than 1,000 words in on Monday.

A word here: I have recently been playing the original Devil May Cry with much joy. So, I'm looking forward to another atmospheric FPS as since Bioshock, Halo 3 just seems a bit cotton-candy and lollipops for me.

Back to Jericho: the choral music juxtaposes beautifully with the squelching noises made when I move through the different game options, sounding, in conjunction, much like a necrophilliac's Christmas. I imagine.

As I get started I try to restrain myself from making pre-emptive judgments on the plot, reminding myself that it's just a game, not an actual discourse on the use of magic throughout world conflicts. But once I play I'm almost immediately getting frustrated by its attitude towards me. You would've thought the developers didn't actually want people to play this game as they have so little trust. I feel like I've got the Fast Show's Competitive Dad over my shoulder the whole time ordering me around: "You don't need your gun here. No, you can't jump. No, you can't have a different gun. No, you can't go through there yet..." and occasionally wresting the control pad from my hands altogether with cut-scenes.

As a general statement of my personal preferences, I don't like being told what not to do. In fact, one of my favourite things to do is impersonate Cartman's epic Maury appearance by swinging back, on my hips, oscillating my neck and index finger whilst declaring "Whateva - I do what I want!" If there's a load of rubble in the way then I want to move it, not wait for a bird with an unfashionable haircut to clear it. I'd also like the option of a better gun and more than two different monsters to kill. I can't get over the fact that I can't jump, either. In this post-Oblivion world I thought it was impossible to just walk through a game! Everybody I know spends the majority of their time jumping through games like well lubricated pogo sticks now - whether that'll improve anything or not, I don’t know.

On the other hand, any game which instructs me to aim for the “yellow pustules of the cultists” can't be all bad.